Confessions of a Closet Smoker

Secret smoking is a behavior that can bring pain and loneliness to smokers. It makes us feel guilty, weak and trapped.

Karen’s story will resonate with anyone who tries to hide their smoking.

Thank you for sharing your story Kay, and congratulations on your rebirth.

My name is Karen, but my friends call me Kay. I started smoking when I was 14 years old. I am 31 years old now. I now realize that the reason why I smoked at that age has become the reason why I still smoke 16 years later.

It’s as if my whole life is deliberately built around cigarettes. maybe.
I quit smoking on June 12. Today is my fifth smoke-free day. I feel like I wake up from some kind of fog. I decided to introduce myself to your smoking cessation support group while I was still confused, so I will not convince myself not to tell you the truth.

I always hide behind smoking, in one way or another.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to eliminate my addictive power by telling you the truth about me. If you like me after reading this article, that would be great. If you don’t do this, I don’t blame you! But I need to be honest with the monster I have become.

In my relationship with nicotine, I did a lot of bad things, shameful things, things that I couldn’t take back. I slowly realized all the lies I told myself and believed, just to be able to smoke.have so Many things about me related to smoking are becoming the focus.

The most frustrating thing is that “Marriage and Capri 120s” seems to be the decisive title of my life over the past five years. My husband does not smoke. When we met, I had quit smoking for a little more than a year after smoking for many years. When we got together, he thought I didn’t smoke. Me too.

I don’t even remember why I started smoking again. But the point is, I did it. I did it enthusiastically.

When we started dating, my husband tolerated me smoking 1-2 cigarettes a day, and I tolerated his drinking habit. This is almost a self-evident code between us; I don’t talk about your habits, and you don’t talk about mine. When I started smoking again, I decided that I could control it and only smoke when I was drinking. Since I rarely drink, this is a perfect plan.

Well, not exactly. I noticed that over time, slowly, I poured more and more drinks at home-I drank weak drinks all night, and gave him a glass or more of strong alcohol. Over time, I often get my husband drunk and allow myself to smoke almost a whole pack of cigarettes within 2 hours of my husband passing out.

If this is not nicotine addiction, I don’t know what it is.

The power of the smoke screen

It was only in the last few weeks that I saw it as I just described. I turned a blind eye to my manipulation and trickery. If you tell me what I am doing, I will think you are crazy! I have always been a “too good” person, the kind of person you can trust, a friend. This is who I think I am.

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But as the smoke disappeared from my mind, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This became the inspiration for what kind of person I became, what kind of wife and mother I am. Completely selfish and dedicated to my addiction.

I have despised myself for so many years, but I dare not linger in my heart for a long time…otherwise, I have to do something.

Nicotine controlled, little by little

My drug addiction is getting worse and harder to control. In the past few years, I spent all my energy planning smoking on my husband’s side. I think that since I love him so much, I shouldn’t let him succumb, so secrecy is necessary-of course out of love.

Now I realize that my addictive ego is selfish and driven only by cigarettes. All this is to find a way to satisfy the addiction. I think staying away from my husband smoking is a sacrifice I made (how good is it to see me? haha), but now I see what it really means-a way to prevent him from commenting on it.

When the smoking cessation advertisement was shown on TV, I became the most talkative person in the room, desperately trying to prevent others from commenting on how bad smoking is. Hopefully, my son will not blurt out what he knows about my smoking. I just couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and agreed to the ad, and then secretly took a cigarette. It’s best to never let this topic come up.

The heavy burden of secret smoking

My husband and I both work from home, so we stay together all day. In order to smoke, I will deliberately wake up in the morning later than him and sleep with him at night. If I can secretly smoke a cigarette and shower before he wakes up before he wakes up in the morning, I will be very annoying.

I would sneak outside in the sweltering heat and heavy rain, too many times to cater to my drug addiction. I pretend to have a headache, so I can stay at home and avoid going out because going out will affect my ability to smoke at least every hour. I have dismissive travel ideas because I know we will be together so much that I cannot successfully smoke and hide it.

I always run to the store for everyone any The reason is to sneak to the gas station to buy cigarettes, and then quietly smoke for a few minutes. I have avoided good friends for many years because I don’t want my smoking habit to be discovered.

When my husband and son go on an outing without me (at my insistence), I feel relieved so that I can smoke “quietly”. They thought I wanted Alone Time, but what I really wanted was a person with a cigarette.

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But after my cigarette was squeezed out, I wanted to be with them again. They are not there. Okay, so at least I can smoke one more…and then another…and then another…

“When do you plan to get home? In 15 minutes?” …I can smoke three more cigarettes before they go home…

My smoking created a huge gap that my husband did not even realize. He told people that we don’t smoke. Either I am good at hiding, or he really doesn’t want to know because it has to be obvious, right? I didn’t think so five days ago.

I’m not so sure today. What he didn’t know was that I avoided him. He didn’t know where I looked through the window of my house before I went in. If I could see him through the window, I would use another door to come in because I didn’t want him to come close to me and smell the cigarettes.

So, before I enter the house, I will go to the garden (if I am not there) to pick rosemary, basil or any irritating herbs. I will rub them on my fingers and chew one. Then, when the coast is clear, I will walk into the house and walk straight to the bathroom, frantically brushing my teeth, gargle and washing my hands/face.

I will use lotion last and rub a small amount on my hair. Only in this way will I feel a little safe. I finally feel that I can sit next to my husband or son for a while, and then it will be fine.

But, inevitably, I will want another cigarette.

The never-ending cycle of nicotine addiction

In this way, the circle goes round and round. For the past 16 years, I have been living like someone I don’t even know. And the situation is getting worse. Every time I smoke, I feel great guilt.

I just started to realize what life with me must be for my family — often distracted, spent most of the time running around, make sure they settle down and satisfy every whim of them, because if they After participating in other things, I can go out and think that if their every need is met, they will definitely not come to me?

My husband and I decided to leave for a few weeks more than a month ago and started building our dream home near his parents (smoking). I thought I was really lucky. Most of the ideas surrounding next year’s move involve the scene of me and his parents smoking together on the outside deck. He has been away for a few weeks and I can smoke without “risk”. Sounds great…

My son and I will arrive in July, spend the rest of the summer there, and then we will all go home.

Because I have so much time alone, I have many things to consider. I reflected on the insanity that has become my daily life. I don’t even have a life, really. I live in a self-imposed prison. I am both a prisoner and a jailer, because I am the only one who holds the key to get me out.

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Suddenly, I understood that I had made the biggest decision in my life. I decided to quit smoking.

I decided to stop the madness and chaos. I decided to face my addiction and stop talking! I don’t want our son to smoke. I want to be close to my family. I don’t want my family to bear the cost and pain of smoking-related diseases (such as my father).

I want to hang out with my non-smoker friends, and I want to look forward to traveling and spending time with my husband. I don’t want to schedule my smoking time. I want to get rid of the shackles of smoking.

I chose one day to quit smoking

A friend suggested setting a date to quit smoking. I did it. I became obsessed with my quit date. I seek advice from everyone I can think of. I hit 1-800-no-butts. This is after get off work, I listened to all the available information they can provide on the answering machine.

I read an article about quitting smoking on This website inspired me. I finally feel that I can do it. I decided to do this. I asked my mother for help. I asked my sister for help. I ask my son for help.

At the same time, my husband knew nothing about my smoking, let alone quit smoking. He didn’t know how I cried and slept as such a terrible wife. He didn’t know how much I wish I could take back every moment of my smoking, just to be with him, because I miss him so much. He didn’t know that I was a selfish and easy-to-control person, and he didn’t know how sorry I was that I didn’t realize what kind of person I had become, or what effect this addiction had on us.

I will bravely contact you through my story because I am so tired. I am tired of keeping secrets, I am tired of pushing people away, I am tired of being ashamed, I am tired of apologizing. I am tired of hiding and being someone I am not.

This is the fifth day after my resignation. I don’t smoke today. I will not be the person I hate.
I have strong determination and unlimited patience to quit smoking. I will rise from the smoke. I started to feel good about myself again.
Nicotine withdrawal in the past 5 days has made the body feel very difficult: nausea, sweating, headaches and feelings of emptiness.of

But there is the truth. This is what I have, this is the motivation that keeps me going.
Thank you for letting me share my terrible secret with you. It helps me to treat myself honestly. I haven’t done this for a long time. Thank you for being here and for letting me extend a helping hand.

More quitting stories from closet smokers:

Freedom in 40 Years-Nenejune’s Story

The Double Life of a Secret Smoker-Nope55’s Story

I’m always smoking secretly-Michelle’s story