Conflict is a predictable part of almost all relationships. It can also be an important source of stress. Therefore, for most conflicts, finding a solution is important. This seems to be an obvious statement, but many people suppress their anger, or just “go with the flow.” Some people think that by resolving conflicts, they are creating conflicts and remain silent when they are upset.Unfortunately, this is not a healthy long-term strategy.
Unresolved conflicts can lead to resentment and other unresolved conflicts in the relationship.More importantly, ongoing conflicts can actually have a negative impact on your health and longevity.
Unfortunately, conflict resolution is also tricky. If not handled properly, trying to resolve the conflict can actually make the conflict worse.For example, researcher John Gottman (John Gottman) and his colleagues studied the way couples quarrel, and can predict which couples will continue to divorce by observing their conflict resolution skills or lack of conflict resolution skills.(Hint: Couples who constantly criticize their partner’s character or shut up during an argument instead of actively and respectfully resolving the conflict should be careful.)
For those who are not born in a family that imitates perfect conflict resolution skills every day (and—let’s face reality—how many of us?), here are some guidelines that can make conflict resolution easier, stressful smaller.
Feel how you feel
An important part of conflict resolution is only yourself—understanding how you feel and why you feel it.It seems that your feelings should already be obvious, but this is not always the case. Sometimes you feel angry or resentful, but don’t know why. Other times, you feel that the other person is not doing what they “should do”, but you don’t know what you want from them or whether this is reasonable.
Keeping a diary is an effective way to get in touch with your feelings, thoughts, and expectations so that you can better communicate with others.Sometimes this process will bring some very serious problems, and psychotherapy may be helpful.
Hone your listening skills
When it comes to effective conflict resolution, our efficiency in listening is at least as important as our efficiency in expressing ourselves.If we are to reach a solution, it is important to understand the opinions of others, not just our own. In fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can sometimes go a long way in resolving conflicts. Good listening will also help you bridge the gap between the two of you, understand where there is a disconnect, etc.
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Unfortunately, active listening is a skill that not everyone knows. People usually think they are listening, when in fact they are formulating their next response in their heads, thinking about how wrong the other person is, or doing things other than trying to understand The other side’s point of view. It’s also common to be so defensive and ingrained in your own opinions that you can’t actually hear the other’s opinions.
Practice confident communication
Clearly communicating your feelings and needs is also an important aspect of conflict resolution.As you may know, saying the wrong thing is like throwing fuel on the fire, making the conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to speak your thoughts in a clear and confident manner, not to be aggressive or put the other person in a defensive state.
An effective conflict resolution strategy is to use a “how I feel” statement, looking at things based on how you feel, rather than what you think the other person has done wrong.
Find a solution
Once you understand the other person’s point of view, and they understand your point of view, it’s time to find a solution to the conflict—a solution that you can all accept.Sometimes, once both parties understand the other’s point of view, a simple and obvious answer will come up. If the conflict is based on misunderstanding or lack of insight into the other party’s point of view, a simple apology can work miracles, and open discussions can bring people closer together.
Other times, more work needs to be done. If there is a conflict on an issue and both parties do not agree, you have several options: sometimes you can agree to disagree, sometimes you can find a compromise or middle ground, and in other cases, you can choose to feel more People’s intense focus on a problem may get their way, but they will understand the next concession. The important thing is to reach an understanding and try to solve the problem in a way that respects everyone involved.
Know when it doesn’t work
Since ongoing conflicts can bring losses to a person, it is sometimes recommended to keep a certain distance in the relationship or to sever the relationship altogether.
In the case of abuse, simple conflict resolution techniques can only take you so far, and personal safety needs to be prioritized.
On the other hand, when dealing with difficult family members, adding some boundaries and accepting the other’s limitations in the relationship can bring some peace. In friendships that are unsupportive or characterized by ongoing conflict, letting go can be an important source of stress relief.Only you can decide whether a relationship can be improved or should be let go.