How to know if you are an abusive spouse

You may think that the way you treat your spouse or talk to your spouse is normal, but in reality it is abusive. Sometimes it is difficult to tell whether you are because you may not have the insight required to figure this out. Or, you may think that your behavior is “normal” because you grew up in a family full of abuse, dysfunction, or negative emotions.

Abuse can occur verbally, mentally, and psychologically. It is not only a physical version, but also called “domestic violence”. Physical abuse may be more obvious, but other forms of abuse can still be very destructive to your marriage. It will destroy the trust, connections and bonds that must exist in your relationship to make your marriage successful and healthy.

Questions to ask yourself

If you want to know if you will become an abusive partner, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Has your partner told you that you are a sadist?
  2. Is your spouse afraid of you?
  3. Have you threatened to kill your spouse?
  4. Do you believe that your method is the only way?
  5. Have you hit, fanned, pushed, pulled or pinched your spouse?
  6. Are you jealous often?
  7. Do you think you have the right to know what your spouse is doing and where your spouse has been?
  8. When your spouse is not with you, do you keep calling or texting them?
  9. Do you consider yourself the person in charge?
  10. Do you like to see your spouse in pain, crying, or hurt?
  11. Do you think your spouse should be hit, yelled, or punished?
  12. Do you believe your spouse “asked for it”?
  13. Did you intentionally destroy or destroy your spouse’s property?
  14. Have you ever been arrested for violence?
  15. Will others tell you you have an angry problem?
  16. Does anyone say you look paranoid?
  17. Are you afraid to ask for help because you might lose everything that is important to you?
  18. Has your spouse ever tried to leave you?
  19. Have you ever thought about “bargaining” with your spouse?
  20. Do you distort, lie or exaggerate, making your partner doubt yourself and their sense of reality?

More clues

Has your partner complained to you about any of the following:

  1. Interference in social relations
  2. No privacy allowed
  3. You don’t open and/or close often
  4. Walking on the eggshell
  5. Too much control
  6. Too nervous
  7. When you are away, everything is calmer
  8. Cannot spend money/go out/make plans without permission
  9. Always in a bad mood
  10. Criticize or complain about everything


If your answer to several of these questions is yes, please consult a licensed professional consultant or clinical social worker. Be honest with the counselor, otherwise you will not get the help you need. Your spouse can conduct couples therapy with you, but only if you have a personal consultation for a period of time before and at the same time as the marriage therapy.

Find an anger management group and read self-help books and other treatments you are receiving.

If you abuse or use drugs or alcohol, you must stop or seek help to stop. Drugs and alcohol will undoubtedly make your behavior worse. A 12-step program or similar program is necessary.

You must have

In order to improve your behavior and your relationship, you need to:

  • Honest self-evaluation
  • Willing to ask for help
  • Ability to let go of your spouse
  • Fully understand why you are being insulted
  • Heal your own past injuries, so you won’t continue to take it to others
  • Feel guilty for your actions and regret your actions for the victim
  • Make every effort to learn proper communication skills, boundaries, and a healthy outlook on love
  • Self-compassion and sympathy for your partner

Very good sentence

Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough. It is important to take full responsibility for your abuse. Hold yourself accountable for any future abuse-if they say you have abused, please follow their opinions and stop what you are doing.

Don’t be defensive or angry, if you find yourself angry, walk away and regroup. Realize that this is your fault, not your partner’s fault. If you want to maintain your relationship, your partner should be respected, and abuse is never acceptable or guaranteed.


How to know if you are an abusive spouse
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