What are the five languages ​​of love?

The language of love is a concept that describes the way people accept and express love in a relationship. Understanding your partner’s love language and letting them know your love language can help you ensure that you all feel loved and appreciated in your relationship.

Almost everyone wants to show their partners that they care about them. However, many people are trying to do this in a way that can tell the heart of the person they love. If you find that this describes your situation, you may want to learn more about the five languages ​​of love developed by author, pastor and consultant Dr. Gary Chapman.

What are the five languages ​​of love?

Although Chapman’s book,“5 Languages ​​of Love” was originally written in 1992, and it continues to help couples today, and has sold more than 12 million copies since its first publication.

Before writing this book, Dr. Chapman spent several years taking notes for the couple he consulted when he identified a pattern. He realized that the couple had misunderstood their needs. After flipping through his notes, he found that people might respond to five “language of love”.

Chapman’s five love languages ​​are:

If yes

Affirmative words express feelings through oral language, praise or appreciation. When this is someone’s main love language, they will like kind words and encouragement. They also like exhilarating quotes, love letters and cute text messages. You can make this person happy by praising them or pointing out what they did well.

Precious time

For those who use good times as the language of love, love and affection are expressed through concentration. This means putting down the phone, turning off the tablet, making eye contact, and actively listening. Make sure you make eye contact, be sure what they are saying, and don’t offer advice.

People who have this language of love pursue quality rather than quantity. If you are present and focus on them while you are together, they will feel loved.

Physical contact

People who have this language of love will feel loved through physical emotions. In addition to sex, those who use physical contact as their main love language will feel loved when their partners hold their hands, touch their arms, or massage them at the end of the day.

Their ideas for the perfect date might include hugging a glass of wine and a good movie on the sofa. They just want to be physically close to their partner.

Service behavior

For service behaviors, a person feels loved and appreciated when someone does good things for them, such as helping washing dishes, running errands, vacuuming, or refueling the car. They like people to do small things for them, and often find that they are doing these services for others.

Accept gifts

Gift giving symbolizes love and affection for people who have this kind of love language. They not only cherish the gift itself, but also the time and energy invested by the giver.

They also don’t necessarily expect big or expensive gifts; what attracts them is more of what is behind the gift. In other words, when you spend time choosing gifts specifically for them, it shows that you really know them.

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People who have this language of love will usually remember every small gift they receive from their loved ones because it has such a big impact on them.

Recognize your love language

If or when you are in a relationship, when your partner:

  • Tell you “I love you” or praise what you did?
  • Surprise you with a meaningful gift?
  • Just go on a weekend trip with you two?
  • Run errands or do laundry?
  • Hold your hand while walking?

Answering these questions can give you a hint as to what your love language might be. According to Chapman’s book, you can also try to recall what you asked for in a relationship, or consider how you would show love to your partner.

Your partner’s love language is unlikely to be the same as yours. When couples have different main languages, misunderstandings are bound to arise. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language, they will usually feel loved and appreciated, and will eventually be happier in the relationship.

How the language of love is good for relationships

We all express and receive love in different ways. Therefore, understanding these differences can have a serious impact on your relationship. In fact, according to Dr. Chapman, this exercise is one of the easiest ways to improve relationships. Here are some ways that understanding the language of love can improve your relationship.

Promote selflessness

When you are committed to learning the language of love from others, you will focus on their needs rather than your own needs. This is the central premise of Dr. Chapman’s theory. Couples should work hard to learn each other’s love language, rather than trying to persuade each other to learn their love language.

Ideally, both parties want to express their love in a meaningful way for each other. But the whole purpose of exploring the language of love together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.


When someone learns more about how their partner experiences love, they will learn to sympathize with them. It can help them to step out of themselves temporarily and see what makes another person feel important and loved. Instead of speaking their love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.

When couples are committed to learning and using the language of love, they will improve their emotional intelligence and learn how to put the needs of others above their own.

Keep close

If couples often talk about what keeps their love tank full, this will create more understanding in their relationship—and ultimately build intimacy. Not only do they learn more about each other, but they also connect with each other in a deeper and more meaningful way. When this happens, their relationship begins to become more intimate.

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Help personal growth

When a person focuses on something or someone other than someone, it can lead to personal growth. People are often encouraged and motivated to be self-centered and do not know anyone or anything other than themselves. But because Dr. Chapman’s five love languages ​​require people to love others in ways that may exceed their comfort zone, they are forced to grow and change.

Share love in a meaningful way

When couples start to speak love each other, what they do for their partners not only becomes more purposeful, but also more meaningful. Part of the reason is that the way they say “I love you” makes sense to their partner, and when they do, their partner will feel satisfied and happy.

Love the language in everyday life

According to Chapman, the language of love also applies to your relationships with children, colleagues and even friends. For example, your child may use affirmative words as their main love language, so they want to hear verbal compliments or “I love you.” Colleagues may be more appreciated in one way than another.

Your love language will occasionally change. For example, if you have had a bad day at work, you may prefer hugs from your partner to encouragement. The key is to communicate regularly and ask your partner what they need to keep their love box full. Then, put what your partner needs into practice.

Criticism of Love Language Theory

Although the language of love helps many people learn how to communicate better with their partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many people abuse language

Some people are a little bit competitive with using the language of love, which can actually add pressure to the relationship. For example, a partner may start to record all the times they use their partner’s love language and compare it to the number of times their partner uses their love language.

Although the language of love can be a way to open up communication and compassion, they should not be used as a game or weapon against a partner. Some partners may continue to use their own language (rather than their partner’s) to show that they care-it doesn’t matter.

The idea is not to say that you cannot build a relationship with anyone who does not share the language you love. Instead, try to understand and be open; you can recognize and appreciate your partner’s behavior, even if they don’t exactly match your own language.

They don’t solve other relationship problems

The five languages ​​of love will not solve all your relationship problems; they are just one of the many tools you can use to help you communicate in a relationship.

Studies have shown that couples who use each other’s love language feel happiest in their relationship when they use self-regulation tools to deal with their emotions.

Therefore, although the language of love is a tool, the couple’s sense of responsibility for their own emotional and behavioral changes contributes the most to their overall happiness. You need more than a tool to build successful relationships.

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Your love language will also change-it is important to accept and expect that the love language of you and your partner may change over time, especially during life stress or major changes (such as childbirth).

They may put pressure on partners

Many people talk about love language because they are used in loyal relationships or marriages. It is important to remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner and let them continue to express your love to you.

A study found that for couples who use each other’s love language, the biggest obstacle is that usually the recipient does not even realize that their partner is trying to use their love language.

Therefore, it is important for recipients to recognize the efforts of their partners, even if they do not fully meet expectations.

They perpetuate anisotropy

Chapman’s original model focused on heterosexual couples, although the theory can be applied to any partnership, regardless of their sexual orientation.

If you are reading “5 Languages ​​of Love” And if you are not in a heterosexual relationship or you are not heterosexual, being excluded from the text can be frustrating. But keep in mind that the tools in this book can be used by anyone who wants to practice.

Very good sentence

Once you and your partner know each other’s love language, you both can benefit. Speaking your partner’s love language may require a little effort and intention, especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships are not born, but developed through attention and hard work.

The good news is that you can improve your relationship by learning your partner’s love language and putting it into practice. Moreover, if you are both committed to loving each other by talking to each other, you will find yourself not only deeper in love, but also in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Frequently asked questions

  • What is the language of children’s love?

    In 1997, Dr. Chapman and Dr. Rose Campbell wrote a book on how the five languages ​​of love can also be applied to children. There is a quiz that children from 9 to 12 years old can take to find out which one they resonate with. Children under the age of 9 can complete an activity, which is outlined on the Five Languages ​​of Love website.

  • How to say the love language of a partner?

    The easiest way to determine your partner’s love language is to ask them to take a test by Dr. Chapman. In addition, Dr. Chapman’s book suggests that you also consider what they ask or do most in a relationship. Do they often bring you thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This may hint at what their love language might be.