Why children of alcoholics are afraid of angry people

Alcoholics become mean and abusive when drinking. Therefore, their children sometimes fear angry people. Even a hint of conflict or confrontation can cause anxiety because people are potentially worried that the situation may escalate into anger or violence.

Although fear of anger is a common feature of adult children of alcoholics, it is also a possible result in a variety of developmental settings, including growing up with toxic (but not alcoholic) parents (such as children with B personality disorder) Of children like narcissistic personality disorder) and face physical, psychological or sexual abuse.

Adult children of hidden alcoholism or poisoning their parents often struggle deeply because they may not even realize the emotional abuse and trauma they have suffered.

How will exposure to anger and abusive behavior in childhood affect the interpersonal relationship of adult children when they are exposed to anger in the future? Knowing the meaning behind your feelings may help you avoid maladaptive behaviors that may continue to affect you long after your childhood abuse occurred.

How children of alcoholics respond to anger

Although being with angry and toxic people can cause extreme anxiety in the adult children of alcoholics, the specific ways this manifestation may be different. Some of these behaviors may seem quite obvious, such as dislike yelling very much. But others, such as pleasing others and repairing people, are less obvious, although equally challenging.

Many adult children of alcoholics and toxic parents may not realize that they are afraid of angry people, but may resonate with some of the defense mechanisms that children use to cope with this fear.

When these behaviors are not resolved, an important problem is that they actually cause people to pursue harmful relationships in the future. For example, some common behaviors of adult children of alcoholics can make them magnets for abusers and easy targets for bullies. Let’s take a look at some of these behaviors that may lead to maladaptive behaviors as they continue in life.

Need to fix something

Children of alcoholics and drug parents often feel a great need to solve the problem, even if the problem is not something they can solve on their own. The need to “fix things” can be emotionally exhausted and exhausted, and because we can’t really repair other people, it’s usually in vain.

A woman described her need to solve the problem in this way:

“I have to resolve it. If someone is angry with me, I will panic and feel that I must resolve it immediately. I put myself in the position of a victim or convince myself that I should not be helped because I don’t have it and others It’s just as bad. I always feel so lonely and scary.”

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The adult children of alcoholics often end up very responsible. Although some responsibilities are good-such as being responsible for your own actions-when you hold yourself accountable for the actions of others, it becomes unsuitable.

Women are affected by alcoholic parents in different ways than men and are more likely to become “drug dealers.” This is especially true in the case of the eldest daughter. The need for “problem solving” can become so strong that many adult children report that it is difficult to have fun in their lives.

It may take many years for adult children to take a step back and remind themselves that they are not responsible for solving or fixing other people’s problems. However, doing so is very free, and adult children who have worked hard to overcome the need to solve the problem often talk about how much they feel “relaxed”.

Unfortunately, toxic people are often happy to let others solve their problems. In other words, if change is to happen, it needs to come from you.

Not tolerate yelling

For adult children, hearing yelling and screaming can be extremely traumatic. Many survivors of childhood abuse find that they are very sensitive to any loud or harsh conversation, whether it happens between friends or just on TV shows.

One person described it like this:

“I hate yelling! There has never been any physical abuse of me or my two siblings, but abusive. My father would physically and mentally abuse my mother. I hate yelling until Today, I can’t stand talking loudly or yelling.”

These responses to screaming and yelling are not only uncomfortable; they can lead to maladaptive behavior and isolation. You may avoid people or situations that might create a large verbal disagreement.

Living in constant fear

Growing up as a child who is an alcoholic or other abuser can lead to a constant state of fear. Unfortunately, this fear may persist and be triggered in less serious future encounters.

One person described it like this:

“Every day is horrible. I am afraid of what will happen to my father every day when I go home. When I come home from school, I always sweat profusely, praying that he will not beat my mother or make a lot of money.” Scene. I was thinking about what will happen when my dad returns home. Will he get drunk? Is he going to hit me or my mother?

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If you grow up in a similar environment, there will be reasons for constant fear. However, long after the source of fear disappeared, many adult children still carry this fear.

This kind of fear not only makes you emotionally stressed, but research shows that our body will “keep up with the rhythm.” Emotional stress can lead to the release of stress hormones, and if this hormone persists, it can also cause physical problems.

A simple goal for bullies

Adult children who grow up with alcoholic or toxic parents are often easy targets for bullies. We have heard a lot about school bullying, but bullying within the family is also too common.

When children grow up in the company of abusive adults, they may experience the same types of fear as other adults or anyone in a position of authority.

One person described it like this:

“I can easily become a target of bullies. I am afraid of angry people, authority or any kind of conflict. I can easily be walked around by bullies because I seem to exude the scent of’weak’ and’victim’. They can smell one. The smell of miles away.”

We heard how predators in the wild “smelt fear”, and the same phenomenon can happen to human animals. If the adult children of an alcoholic appear weak or have a victim mentality, it is almost like they invite people with a history of drug abuse or narcissistic characteristics to abuse them.

Treatment or joining a support group can greatly help resolve this behavior. In the safe environment of face-to-face or online support groups, you can show confidence when interacting with others through role-playing exercises. Establishing a relationship of trust can also strengthen the healthy model of adult relationships, allowing you to regain control of the situation.

Conflict avoidance behavior

Conflict avoidance behavior is typical among alcoholics and other adult children who were abused in childhood. Conflict in childhood memories is so painful that people try to avoid any type of conflict-even the type of conflict necessary for a healthy relationship.

One person described it like this:

“I avoid conflicts of any kind. I have no self-esteem, cannot express emotions, and never do well in relationships. I am a person who always tries to put things together and try to avoid conflicts of any kind.”

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Although avoiding conflict may reduce the pain in childhood, it can cause more pain in adulthood because it allows you to tolerate any worrying behavior of others instead of facing it head-on.

Children of alcoholics often have intimacy problems, some of which stem from the inability to resolve conflicts.

Will angry people scare you?

Do angry people make you scared? Do you find yourself avoiding confrontation and conflict at all costs? Being a child of a family with alcoholism or other dysfunction affects you in many ways.

If you find this to be appropriate, you may feel frustrated if you talk to someone who grew up in a “normal” family. On the other hand, you may be confused about how others set boundaries and deal with conflicts. Many adult children of alcoholics have no idea what is normal.

Get help

If you find yourself in any of the above behaviors, then you have hope. Many adult children of alcoholics and toxic parents will find themselves in other relationships with toxic people in the future, and coping mechanisms to cope with fear are often at the core of these choices.

Consciousness is the first and most important step to recover from childhood (and adult) abuse by parents. There are many resources available to help.

Meetings of adult children of alcoholics are invaluable not only to the adult children of alcoholics but also to the adult children of toxic parents in general. Other support groups (such as Codependents Anonymous) often deal with the behaviors discussed in this article.

These meetings not only remind adult children that they are not alone, but they are also an excellent resource for learning more adaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the conflict and anger of others.

Sometimes working with a therapist can also be helpful. Not all therapists are the same. A therapist trained as a trauma survivor may be more capable of helping you resolve the past and move forward in a healthy way.

Adult survivors of childhood abuse as a group need treatment because other People need treatment. But asking for help will have a huge impact on your future relationship success and happiness.

If you think you fit the picture we drew here, please ask for support. You will learn that many people have gone beyond the abuse they have experienced and the behaviors they have gained in order to lead very fulfilling and happy lives.